Just walked pass a bum on the way to a coinstar... awkward
I am in the hospital with a broken wrist because a guy told me that if I punched him it "wouldn't hurt." it hurt. me. Thank you 11 jello shots.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.
What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.
I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now
I think it got a little awkward for her when my dad walked in on us and did nothing except leave half of his pizza on the table for us.
She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.
Honestly, it's his loss. He went for the free sample when he could've gotten the whole package, babes.
does that make me the free sample at the grocery store he didn't like enough to buy...? yeah, that advice didn't help, but thanks.
Thank you for caring about my cervix.
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
maybe one of us should just pity fuck him and get it over with.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
Randomize
