I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
1.) You left the rest of your whiskey here 2.) I drank your whiskey 3.) then made a steam roller out of the bottle 4.) Everything tastes like whiskey
Pretty sure I blacked out the last 48 hours, the last thing I remember is the 4 pm bar crawl on Thurs
Can you believe they're going to let me be a doctor?
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
Have you resumed life with the rest of the world yet or are you still huddled in the fetal position while wearing compression gear?
The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
You kept saying we got to find the end of the rainbow, which turned out to be a box of lucky charms and Guinness in the bag of cereal
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
Had a dream I went to Disney to visit you and then I got really drunk and puked all over these little kids in line
His face matches his life choices. Both are train wrecks.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
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