I feel great
I just peed on a car
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
I didn't cheat on him. He just hasn't been informed of the open part of our relationship.
I just woke up entirely naked on top of a pile of some guy's laundry on his bedroom floor.
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
No more margaritas for you. Also, tequila should be reclassified as a hallucinogen.
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
Well at least I still have a burrito in my pocket.
If I can ever get control of my legs I will be home. Thanks... and again sorry about your bed.
I have 80 very blurry photos of you on a stripper pole...
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
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