yea and when she crawled to her room she yelled at a bookbag to "get the fuck out my way"
Don't pass out before midnight like you did last year. See how much your year sucked
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
my pupils became my eyes and i slept with a cloth in my mouth again
Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk
Mostly because I hate my job and a have a photogenic penis.
I couldn't stop laughing at the fact he was cutting lines with a sears card. What 24 year old has a sears card?
I gave up great shower sex to be here so don't say I never did anything for our friendship.
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
but next to his bed he has a bible, and on the bible he has a pbr coaster and a condom. how can i stay mad at that? Its amazing.
Randomize
