Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level
i know. thats why i need an open bar. i'll get hammered and make a toast about how his dick is like the titanic. large, but full of failure.
I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
when I went into his room, he was sleeping on his stomach, almost as if to silently say, "you're not touching my dick tonight".
I feel like our lives always have been and always will be a never ending drunken rampage full of pregnancy scares and lost brain cells
If magic marker is safe for kids, it should be safe for cats...right?
Definitely got a blow job in Charles Schwab's bed last night.
I love my job.
FYI you are now my emergency contact at plan parenthood
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
He is such a generous lover, I can look past the fact his name is fucking Bob.
I hate political talk. I just wanna get fucked into an alternate universe where Bernie Sanders is president.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
And since we used to fuck you are absolutely obligated to like my tweets
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