So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.
Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.
nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw
Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back
No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.
I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty
captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
You screamed at oncoming traffic , "five dollars to punch this guy in taint!".
sometimes, you gotta take him by the hands like tails took sonic, and fly him into the bedroom.
I just had to explain to a 5 year old why I had fuzzy handcuffs hidden in a macaroni box under my bed.
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
on a scale from 1 to "can't put a toothbrush in your mouth without gagging" how hungover are you?
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