yo - did your mom get a boob job (I think she did)
so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.
im honestly more upset that i fucked a buckeyes fan than about cheating on my boyfriend...
Just did ten shots in 8.34 minutes........ Slowly getting over the loss
I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.
Was my shirt on fire at any point last night? Because I'm fairly sure my shirt was on fire.
I'm thinking about slathering myself with peanut butter and going to the dog park. What's the worst that could happen?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
REWARD BLOWJOB!! STAY RIGHT WHERE YOU ARE I'LL BE THERE IN FIVE MINUTES.
Sometimes I wish I lived alone because there would be no one to judge me if I wanted to have whiskey and popcorn for breakfast.
She rode me like a jockey on that tiny couch. Then we spooned.
All I want is to get shitfaced and fuck random strangers is that really to much to ask?
Randomize
