I scissor kicked a one legged man last night.
He was trying to put me in handcuffs.
You have my attention.
never try to heat up a hot pocket in the dryer if ur microwave breaks...bad idea.
when I woke up she was standing in the living room with a bottle of scotch because she is "allergic to hangovers"
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?
Trust me that one dick you don't want. It's like a whale... That's swam too many oceans...
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It tastes like you we're too lazy to shower and instead just sprayed yourself with Febreeze.
You have a very discerning palate.
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I'm literally beginning to think that my sex dreams are prophesies
There are horrible decisions in life and then there are tequila flavored moonshine decisions
STAY IN YOUR APARTMENT. DONT GO TO SAFEWAY TO BUY CONDOMS. DONT GO TO THE VAN.
I feel like I got run over by a steamroller made of cigarettes and booze driven by all of the men I've slept with.
Randomize
