I woke up to a bunch of college seniors jacking off a horse in my face. Geuss who didnt move in time?
I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.
Dwarf fight at five guys. Today was a good day.
Might I also add after my boss threw up in the garbage can and yelled puking rally, he dougied, then told me I wasn't about that life.
MY BRAIN IS OSCILLATING. DOES THAT EVEN MAKE SENSE
A group of drunk Marines just serenaded me, never leaving this place
do you think me going to the gyno dressed as a cat is inappropriate?
Stripping out of my teacher clothes to Talk Dirty to Me. Who let me become a teacher?
Where are you and why are you fighting with a bird?
Once again, your first date sounds like something of an epic. Odysseus' Quest for Fourth Base.
There's lube on my homework. #priorities
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
So he has moved up to a stage 5 clinger...Surprised he didn't try to lure you into bed with tacos, like he did last time
Yeah... akward. I don't want a round 2
Heard flapping noises behind me. It was my roommate flapping her bathrobe like wings, saying "I'm a faaaiiiiry."
I promise your sink was clogged before I threw up in it.
Randomize
