Uhhh...do I owe you any money? Or an apology? Or anything?
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
not only did i climb through the window at 4 am but here i am 4 hours later for my interview at the mall and i'm staring in the dark pet store barking at puppies
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.
How have you survived this long?
Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.
He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
What's great about college is that i can eat chocolate cereal for every meal and call it a money saving technique.
Human centipede...with the teletubbies. That's what my nightmare had in it.
I don't even want to know.
We had to go. She called the bartender a thundercunt.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
He's throwing Skittles into my cleavage and some are rebounding into my crouch.
Well he's scoring either way then.
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
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