i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
we need to find an occasion to wear tutus
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...
Yea. I feel great. My life is great. My job isn't as shitty. And my daddy loves me. I love strip clubs. Great self esteem boost.
No you don't understand. This tree is really alive. Like in Pocahontas.
I feel like vibrating beds are just synonymous with venereal diseases.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
I have found random beers stashed in my purse and microwave... Apparently I thought 2015 was gonna have a beer shortage
He fell asleep on top of me after sex. For 3 hours. Poor guy worked too hard.
I remember yelling at him telling him that the strippers were "nice people."
You just can't go back to being friends with someone after you sucked their balls
Randomize
