Best moment of my life. I just got a text from some random number that said i can't wait to touch you. Her name is kiara and she had the wrong number.
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
For her birthday she wants to, " try something different with our butts a funnel and a bottle of whiskey"
Wtf man. I knew she was bad news. No sane person cares if you eat their raviolli.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
When did angry sex become our thing?
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
Nothing like waking up and having two guys who aren't your boyfriend talk to you about their hard dicks before 9 am.
Do him. As soon as possible and as often as possible. That's what Oprah would say
Hey, you should go to your facebook ASAP... i'm guessing you're wasted but you just uploaded a picture of someones dick...and everyones taking bets now if its Rick or Mikes..
A stripper choked me last night. Then I choked her. Now we're going on a date this Saturday.
If waffles and beer don't scream "fuck me!" then I don't know what else to do.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
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