I don't want to have to wonder if I'm draining my pasta in the same side of the sink you pissed in
Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
hes the hot one from work who thought i was dead after my party
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I used an emoji to tell him I was pregnant. I should feel bad about that, right?
& I came downstairs to find my whole family discussing the fact that I have a vibrator, which my mom found accidentally....
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
Randomize
