By the way, I think my next facebook status update will read, "Aaron recently found out Vanessa's a screamer."
oh god.
I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
Well yes but because of that incident i now salute to truck drivers
A worker across the alley is wearing your sombrero sans cat barf.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage
I just burped smoke on the bus. Hello 6:48am
Dude, it's not gay. It's winter.
I'm at an awkward stage of not being able to tell if I wanna keep having fun or if I need to die in bed
If you hear a loud thud and smell ozone, I may have been electrocuted.
Only the sound of Friends and my gulping of wine are masking the sounds of my roommate getting laid
I’m not closing myself off the to the possibility of making a bad life choice.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
Randomize
