Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
you spent the rest of the night making a recipe for mixed drink called "the new years bowel remover". it has 13 parts but judging from the bold all caps, the boiled avocado is the most important
im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk
just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.
Some guy offered you 100 bucks last night to suck your toes. I had to drag you away while you were yelling at me, "Stop money cock blocking me!"
That's just where I'm at in my life.
I puked into my skirt and then had to carry it to the bathroom and dump it out, Lmfao and it was like 2pm
Can my mom come with to the bar? Prince just died and I feel like I need to take her out to cheer her up.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
There's nothing classy about a pregnant girl at a frat party...remember that.
We havent had power for three days. What else is there to do besides drink and fuck? I thought that was obvious.
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
I’d say they were worth it. He screamed “your tits are fanfuckingtastic!”while he was cumming
It’s a prereq for med school, so I hope the professor likes blow jobs
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