i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.
She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.
Yeah, but there's no serving sizes for dick.
Definitely contact high. Thirty miles an hour listening too i can see clearly now wanting too eat the steering wheel
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!
You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.
My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.
I guess? According to Jeff his mom is wondering when the grand babies will arrive. So I don't think they like ME so much as my supposed functioning uterus
My kid just put flowers in my hair to make me pretty, then showed my boobs to an entire playground. He's either the best wingman or the worst.
Hey sorry for calling you so much last night. I mixed your number with the pizza guys, and he was running late
I'm hoarding IKEA meatballs in my purse
i just realized I haven't been laid all summer. So sad. What a waste of a perfectly good vagina.
Have you heard yourself have sex?
I'm not THAT loud...
My neighbors filed a noise complaint.
Randomize
