Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
Going to have to start putting down newspaper if puking the bed is going to be a habit
The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".
I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.
I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"
I am the fairy godmother of the drink.
if I was any more soft right now, my penis would be a liquid
After hearing her fall down in the shower for the third time, I decided to go check on her.
I JUST MADE OUT WITH A BRITISH SOCCER PLAYER. LONG LIVE THE QUEEN. GOD BLESS THAT COUNTRY.
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
She gave me a can of steel reserve to pour on myself in the shower
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
You need to stop vomiting in the washing machine, bro. For real this time.
Soo I'm in the trunk of a car drunk about to jump on trampolines. My life rocks!
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