I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
My parents just checked my browsing history and now think I'm addicted to porn and am a necrophiliac. 1: I know it was you. 2: You're so dumped, that shit is sick.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son
i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.
Edward fifth and chaser hands
im not sure what exactly happened but i may need help faking my own death
I like to get drunk just like anyone else but not to the point of sticking a rubber tube up my asshole
Is he the circus guy or the bi-curious street preacher?
My dry spell starts kindergarten this fall...
They grow up so fast.
Get over here asap there are three naked girls two bottles of whiskey and only one of me
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
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