I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
My spanish teacher discovered you can watch spanish music videos on youtube. Guess what were doing in class today? Michael Scott Spanish 101
I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.
Managed to convince my mom that I had been home for 3 hours sleeping on the couch downstairs and this t-shirt was your dads. I am SUCH a fucking boss.
Not every day do you see a hooker getting arrested at noon. Just kidding, we live in Reno.
There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"
I just got high off one hit and the. Spent 20 minutes inspecting the gasket of our refridgerator and researching ways to replace it
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I kid you not. He let me in into his house, showed me the putt putt in his backyard. Offered to play me.
Learn from my mistakes. DO NOT try to steam a garment of clothing while you are wearing it. The burn is not worth the de-wrinkle.
he sent a dick pic to my best friends phone for me cause mine died lol pretty sure he was regretting that night outta town.
I may forget my underwear, but you can count on me for drugs and plan b
Ha! Just garden hosed my vag and thought of you.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
It’s a 10 inch dick! Of course I’m getting a Brazilian
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