I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."
HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!
Also, I think I'm too drunk to be at the gym right now. But how sober do you need to be for IM volleyball?
It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.
Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
The amount of precision it takes to urinate into a 2 liter bottle while hammered is undeniably difficult.
I just found out who gave her jelly shots. You owe me a new mattress.
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
The real estate's complaint had the words "loud squealing at 2am" in it. Then I remembered that was me spoon feeding you guys old potato salad while you screeched like baby birds. Great night.
Apparently drunk me thought it was a good idea to buy $100 worth of band aids and stick them all over everything in the apartment.
On a scale of one to Harambe, how attached were you to your goldfish?
TFW YOU ACCIDENTALLY SEND A MEME ABOUT LIKING ANAL TO THE GROUP CHAT. JESUS FUCKING CHRIST, WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME?
His sisters are going to have a heyday finding all those condoms in their bunk beds.
I'll get the most aesthetic strap on, you'll see
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