That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Putting Chia seeds in beer makes it ok for my diet, right?
Ugh. I'm going to die alone, sister. Half-eaten by one of my thirty-seven cats and clutching a martini shaker
Apparently calling shotgun while getting put into a police car is frowned upon
I completely forgot I gave up beer. But airports don't count. They're like international waters. No rules.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
I just want you to know that watching you throw up out of a cab in the McDonald's drive thru was probably the highlight of my night.
Randomize
