My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.
You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.
well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.
I'll be honest, not actually surprised to find half a Big Mac box and bits of broken security glass by the sofa.
Fyi when u order four mini bottles of scotch on a 45 min flight. The flight attendants jaw drops to the floor.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
SITTING NEXT TO A CIRCUS PERFORMER AT PLANNED PARENTHOOD. THIS IS MY LIFE.
come home. I need you. I'm too hungover to deal with this hangover alone
I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I don't want random pictures of your morning wood. It's like, what a glorious morning oh a penis.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
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