Even the bartender felt bad for me
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.
At least I wasn't still dressed as a bottle of dom perignon when they took me to the ER
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
We need to get sombreros so I can give them to strippers.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.
So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth
Gross
AN ACTUAL PICKLE
Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.
HE TRIED TO HIT ME WITH A CHAIR. Stoned video games are NOT happening again
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
you kept shouting 'jesus penis' when i was on the phone with 911
You know, normal sex stuff involves shitting your pants. If you do it right.
Randomize
