I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards
None
my fingers and penis are no longer on speaking terms. My penis is too jealous of where my fingers get to go.
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
Is it illegal to masterbate in an airport?
It's spring break, I'm sure it's ok.
yo everyone went to the hospital last night
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body
got blackout drunk at the conference and wandered around Minneapolis with a homeless person until one of the other interns found me...I think I'm ready for adulthood.
i have an important question...can you drink in jail?
I think the moment I knew you were going to black out was when I told you how many shots you had already and you were shocked and then poured another one
somehow this went from sexting to explaining my eating disorder.
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
When we missed a fist bump and simultaneously did the Rocket Power handshake I knew I was going to blow him.
I yelled out "blow jobs!" in my macroeconomics class. Ask me more about how my life is spiraling out of control.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
Randomize
