Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99
Recession joke.
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.
Every little girl dreams of the day when she picks up her fuck buddy because he's drunk at the gay bar again.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Okay. So did I kiss you last night? I know that I made out with someone. Or a few someones. But I'm pretty sure that I made out with you. Was that real life?
He is a real estate investor who’s face I’m going to sit on.
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
i'm in a very strange mood rn i'm listening to bruno mars??? am i ok????
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
I’m sorry, some of us common-folk don’t have access to steady dick
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