I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.
im watching shaqs comedy special. this is how i know im not sober.
11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.
if you hear someone banging on your door early in the morning, it's me with some breakfast burritos, so don't be alarmed
Just started taking liver support pills. Welcome to Senior year.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
what better way to celebrate the birth of jesus christ than to get embarrassingly intoxicated and make poor decisions!?
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
Your boyfriend being in jail is really helping my social life! #GotASingleDrinkingBuddyAgain
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