So it's 11:24am. I've had sex twice and been laid 3 times. I love holidays!
I understand the whole sex thing but did you really get laid or is that synonymous for more alcohol?????
Honestly.
Don't say a word.
K got coke dick during a threesome with two strippers. Say no to drugs.
you kept trying to convince me i had aids because my head hurt
I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm
I have pink band-aids all over my body, WHAT HAPPENED?
Keg backpack and a Bike
When he goes down on me, he stares me in the eyes like a shark mocking it's prey as it devours it. Plus, his beard smells like dirty gym socks. This has got to end.
Even dream me is a champ at smoking weed
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
And then he said, "let's have sex and I'll send you home with enchiladas."
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
When we found you, you were half crying/half singing Taylor swift songs at 2am in the bathroom, and occasionally puking. I think I get "friend of the year" award just for putting up with your drunk ass all night.
Are we at that level of friendship where we can share slutty stories and not hold it against the other person at a later date ?
Idk I just think that seeing that man's Twitter always resulting in me looking for the whiskey is a bad sign
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