I have had sex with more partners than how old he is.
I just let someone steal something bc they were so fucking weird and wouldn't leave me alone
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I got "discovered a new religion high" last night
I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"
I came home ate all of my roomates poptarts and then vommited on her duvet cover. I don't think today is the day to suggest the whole "sex instead of rent money" idea
you tried to fill your inhaler with vodka
I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.
bro i dont care how hot she was, you try keeping it up with the amount of puppet he had in her room, it was like fucking in jeff dunham's house
I think the lady at jack in the box started crying when we put in our order.
Not only did I get the promotion, but last night after sex he took me outside and let me hold it for him while he peed in the snow. I made a heart. This week is going amazing
rock bottom is drinking straight vodka from a protein shaker, singing one direction and crying alone in your room. exams.
If you don't sing 'dust in the wind' at my funeral, I'll haunt you forever
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
only i would get cock blocked by a cop
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