how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
They just yellow carded someone for spilling a drink because it was a party foul. Love germans.
Please tell me that's his leg and you didn't really just send me a picture of your dog's dick
I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.
Okay. I am working on pulling a tooth out of my mouth. Call me.
Just got hit on by a 50 year old Englishman who is now swapping drunken racing stories with my mom. Live Mariachi band in the background. How's that for a wake?
My 19 year old brother just hooked up with his 45 year old cougar kindergarten teacher. These sorts of situations make me realize why the sorority girls call him Wondercock
Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?
if i do community service solely to impress a guy, everyone wins, right?
except your soul
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
It's probably not a good thing when it isn't even 6:30 and I've already drank an entire bottle of wine. By myself. I'm watching Spice World and I just bought 2 Spice Girls albums off itunes.
Make that 3 Spice Girls albums.
I was totally going to fuck him and then his friend walked in brushing his teeth, whipped down his pants and started doing the windmill. Ultimate cock block
Someone should walk up to them and say, "We're sorry, you're too hot to be out here with the other humans."
Randomize
