also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
The only thing he got me during our relationship was a cum stain in my backseat. I choose winners.
I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night
I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.
Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
Its a sick, sad, world when parents get more ass then you.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
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