I made my friend ***** cry when I wouldn't let her call u for an orgy at 3am...I didn't think you'd be to happy being woke up
I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
gail simmons from food & wine magazine just heard me order my plan b pill
did you ask her what wine to pair it with?
Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.
She insisted we fuck to Ludacris, not how I imagined popping her lesbian cherry would be. I tried delt and I liked it.
They put 3 tbs of cinnamon in vodka shots and called it the "cinnamon death challenge"
You said dick pics aren't attractive
Random ones, from strangers, no. But a beautiful penis I know and love, absolutely :3
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
I just sneaky put a tampon in on the bus ninja-style.
......how on earth do you do that?
NINJAAAA
we watched a porno and made a drinking game out of it. best first date ever.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
My Dicks been hard all day. Poor guy isn't used to vacation being over
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
