I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
If you don't answer the phone then I will be forced to leave you a wonderful voicemail of me throwing up
im about as happy as oj after his trial
Last night started off great but became the saddest day of my life when i was drunk in a hotel room eating day old mac and cheese out of a yatzee cup with a coffee lid as a spoon...
You got so drunk you kept singing the Sailor Moon theme song and kept making everyone call you Sailor Venus.
I'm blazed at jack in the box and my order number is 420. I wish everything in the world made this much sense.
I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
You don't understand she was in the fountain pretending she was diving for treasure. I couldn't possibly ruin her dreams.
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I feel like every time I get the courage to masturbate to a guy from Game of Thrones, they kill him off.
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
We get up to three toppings. Dignity is not one of them.
Legit just looked at the gin bottle and said, “Aw fuck, I’m going to feel this in the morning.”
Randomize
