I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
well I mean we knew we had more drinkers than runners, so we had a "case race for the cure" for relay for life instead of an actual marathon. day drinking and philanthropy. can't go wrong.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Watching porn with a bag of marshmallows. Thats when you know you're stoned.
And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."
That's called being sensitive.
I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.
First thing on my "to do" list- get sober for community service.
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
I got very very very high last night and bought a cotton candy machine on eBay
Did you ever hear the story about the time I did blow in a bar bathroom with the #1 ranked golfer in the world?
Why the fuck is there raw bacon in my bra. I don't even have a stove.
The bouncer said the club was at capacity we couldnt get in till ppl left all three of them pulled their tits out we got complimentary bottle service never under estimate women
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
I’d clean the kitchen before making food. Mark “rang in the New Year” with some rando in there last night
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