I knocked on some strangers door, you didn't have to give me a fake hotel room number
and before you know it i was laying next to him at 2 in the morning with penis and sadness on my breath.
around noonish you got carried out for spitting water and throwing cups at old people...
I cut my penus on the lid.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Your roommate is pacing with a pen in his mouth flapping like a duck. That brownie got me fucked but not enough to understand this. Come back!
He does that
And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.
Omg. I have a story to tell you later about that girl that just crawled on stage
what compelled you to fill her bra with pudding and freeze it in the first place?
i might remember if i didn't get knocked out with it later that day.
im trying to look as sober as possible but i just poured orange juice and mayo into my milkshake.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
Mark my words I will never date another cop again. I don't care if he's JESUS.
Just because you can't have him, doesn't mean you can have his brother.
What about the best friend?
Why are there condoms taped to the handle of Tito’s?
I get horny when I drink, pregnant when I fuck and I never lose the booze unlike my purse
Randomize
