God dammit. Now I'm pissed at Arizona, while feeling bad for my poor, poor penis.
She told me she couldnt give me head last night because she was running out of listerine
did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?
you mean faeutihaers?
It's official. Hawaii is 100% better when you're stoned.
It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"
I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?
Ive seen him cuddling a giant inflatable seahorse. Nothing could be creepier than that.
You passed out with your mouth on the faucet, straddling the keg, with your arms wrapped around it
You have no idea the kind of bodily contortions I had to do to access your neighbor's WIFI
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
Okay, the good news, found Jared, all IDs accounted for, Jack is meeting us at yours with your requested the delivery. The bad news: Lost Alice, banned from Stages, possibly fucked my TA in the bathroom.
Hold on gotta plunge the sink
Is that a euphemism for sex? Either way, have a good time
Skipping class. Wanna Drink now?
yea. just give me 15 min to write a paper.
I was singing Colors of the Wind and swigging vodka and still felt like more of an adult.
Randomize
