ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
I drunk wandered into my parents bed and slept between them
i'm 6 minutes and 3 drinks deep before she gets here. she's do-able for a wednesday night, but i still need to mentally prepare, ya know?
i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".
That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
Those people having sex on the beach kept looking over at you guys throwing his shoes at the seagulls.
Feels like someone put a cigar out where my butthole used to live
I let my daddy issue flag fly free last night.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My new boobs got me 12 drinks at the concert. Whose the real winner here?
This tequila is so bad I might cry. I won't Throw up but I might cry
You peed in my kitchen, while crying and insisting my floor was a toilet.
I would like to make it known to all of you that my penis is official retired, but it thanks you for the countless years of service you provided
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