oddly enough my penis is pretty tan. the part of my body that gets the least amount of sunlight is tanner than most of the rest of my body.
I think its part of male evolution. Pretty soon they'll have diamonds on them and taste like chocolate.
Don't leave without me in the morning. I keep scaring everyone cause I'm sleeping in the bathtub.
I need ur penis! This is not drunk texting, either! This is I need ur penis texting. There IS a difference!
We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.
you were fixing your hair in the bathroom mirror and then fell backwards through the locked stall while she was in mid pee and fell on her lap.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
Someone just walked into the bar with a pillow
I don't know whether to judge him or give him a high five
Dude I introduced the hot Russian girl to the hot Ukrainian girls. I am a UN ambassador
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I'm actually drinking gin and juice out of a floridas natural carton...so if that has any indication of how I'm doing
Oh my god I would go to planned parenthood the same day I get my nipples pierced
She asked how comfortable I was with her while we were in the shower. She then proceeded to pee in said shower.
I'm at her wedding and she managed to get every single one night stand I ever had in her wedding party. Why does she hate me?
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