you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.
crossing my fingers that hitting golf balls off my pourch was a dream and not something that actaculy happened
i officially have over $300 in my bank account. that's a year's worth of chipotle.
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol
Flatmate got laid for the first time in 3 years. I'm baking a cake.
I met a guy last night who bought me a book on Amazon at the bar and then we had sex. Boners for books is a thing. Boom.
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
I'm super depressed and stressed and I just want spaghetti and sex...
Randomize
