Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.
I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.
So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.
I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?
Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.
i told him that if he starts being sappy its friends = off. he called me jerkface and drew on me w permanent marker. im either in love w him or we are twelve.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
This is the prime rib incident all over again
I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??
Lets get real here, ive seen your moms breasts multiple times
When you sleep in the bathroom, you're no longer a guest.
And Mike keeps telling Will that love at first sight is true and this is just a shit show. Help.
The date did not go well. Turns out I once set her brother on fire.
Went upstairs to make PopTarts, found the door open. Shut it. Saw a grey thing. Opened the door, found a girl sleeping outside. What the fuck happened last nigh
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
They stopped fighting to partake in M&Ms and porn.
Randomize
