well if you came here i would keep you awake :*
did you just kiss me??? ... dude, im not gay
yes because when i jack off the first person i think about is christina applegate
I walked into my house this morning to find an 18 pack on the counter. I think that's gods way of ringing the bell for round two.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
Please tell me that text was part of your elaborate Brett Favre costume; otherwise, dude, wtf?
i'm about to tell me dad "sorry staying in isnt an option. i'm fucking a marine tonight."
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Have you seen our bachelor? He's MIA. Last seen being led to some hookers by Kanye look-a-like.
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
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