what's for breakfast?
Advil and throwup
he acted like he had never seen anyone snort lines of adderall off of a microwave before. freshman.
He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.
We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.
hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early
some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.
just gonna show up naked this time. that way i dont have to worry about finding my clothes tomorrow
Hangover or death. Death. I'll have a slice of death please.
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
I think he just tried to put your boyfriend in a trashcan....
Why are your pants in the freezer?
I just got fed by 3 guys. I love my job.
Apparently I told the mayor I want to be a trophy wife
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