I'm pretty sure I left my reasoning skills at home last night, and just brought anger and rage with me.
He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.
woke up in a shopping cart using a keystone box as a blanket. how was your night?
Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.
Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.
his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .
You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
I hate find pieces of condom wrappers on carpet. It's like god is throwing flakes of shame for me to vacuum up
Bake him heart shaped cookies?!? Send him a picture of your tits like an ADULT!
I GOT JUDGED BY A GUY WORKING AT THE LEAST CLASSY STRIP CLUB. Peeing isn't a right, it's a privilege.
it's pretty awkward texting you how much I want to suck your cock when I have my mom on speakerphone.
On my way
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
I'm gunna wear a purple dress, so if you see someone looking confused and lost wearing purple it's probably me
How in the fuck did you get LIVE MOTHER FUCKING BATS!?!?! Into my ROOM last night????
Randomize
