so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I was just walking through Burbank and saw a hobo using solar panels on his shopping cart. We must be in trouble if the hobos are researching alternative sources of fuel...
You can't have hate sex in a hallway!!
...there is blood under my fingernails.
...I hope my roomates are okay.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go
She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny
Oh and in case you were wondering it is not a good idea to eat weed brownies and then go out to the bar. When I got off the bar stool my high had just hit me and I felt like Bambi taking his first steps
Whatever. I hate you. My vagina hates you. I hope a bird shits on your head today.
I actually feel a twinge of sadness recycling all of our handles... I feel like I'm throwing out some great memories or lack of them because we don't remember
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
Dude I asked him to get me beef jerky at 4 am and he actually walked to CVS to get it. CVS closes at 12 but it was the perfect opp to dip out
What's the best way to tell someone that I accidentally wound up in a gay harem?
They made me leave the maternity ward, how do I get back in?
Sooooooooooooo you woke up on a rooftop. Classy
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