It's noon and i am somehow drinking by myself in a jazz tent in broad daylight.
So as she is about to take the walk of shame she flips out. Apparently someone left a brown present in her shoes.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
I just cleaned your Jaeger vomit off my car with a knife. Don't ever say I don't love you.
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
do you think its obvious that we spent all afternoon playing naked body oil twister?
I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.
Well i think matt shit his pants so ill mark that as a W
I don't know when it is this year, but if I ever text you an illegible text that also happens to contain sharks, Shark Week started.
Negotiating with my body. We're ok. Violent upheaval is not necessary.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
Thanks for DJing my sex last night. You were on point 💜
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