My nipple is on Facebook.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
it was all downhill after the free blackjack taco
I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.
He bought segways. We ride them when we get drunk. Last night he ran through the sliding glass door.
Dude, you vomitted into a trashcan wearing your bear hands and high heels. Your drug dealer even said that was rough.
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I repeat do not go to a jail visit drunk, those stools are easy to fall off.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
I gave you keys to my house and drugs. This must mean we're in a relationship.
Thanks for reminding me of all the hookups my brain has been trying to suppress...
That's what friends are foooooooor!
In honor of the new administration, I'm going to make it my goal this weekend to get some lesbian action. Fuck Donald Trump and fuck Mike Pence. I'm going to be a spiteful gay.
I just got a text from a stranger offering to shave my asshole. I've been sober and out of town for a week, are you using my number as a dial-a-dumping again?
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