I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I'll just stay a virgin forever then
You still have to go anyway
Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around
im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test
A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?
yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.
next time on intervention
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
I WAS a history major. I also WAS a functioning human being. Fuck gin.
DID YOU REALLY JUST GIVE ME A FIRST BASE SIGN
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
I'm not snubbing your weed I just had a really important rack of ribs to get home to
Is banging someone in the national guard considered a state service or a national one?
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I successfully cockblocked 5 people in one night. I wasnt getting any, why should they.
Randomize
