I feel like our bond is deeper now that we're both sleeping with married men. now we're really bffls
I'm covered in salsa and facewash. I think I'm doing something wrong over here.
The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came
it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone
just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked
do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good
I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte
i am one fart away from being 2 for 2 on this whole shitting my pants thing.
Buying her a drink is like giving a seagull a French fry, all you're gonna do is get annoyed and shit on
I thanked him for the booty call offer but told him I'd rather just do it myself
My favorite part of you downing a fifth of fireball in my apartment by yourself is the shot glass in the sink. It's like you attempted moderation and were just like "Fuck this."
Thank you for coming with me today. I find it appropriate that we celebrated my negative pregnancy test with slurpees and donuts.
Whenever I have a bad day I just look at the negetive pregnancy test I keep in my purse and remind myself things could be alot worse.
I climbed to the top of a stripper pole and touched the ceiling. Accomplishment?
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
