why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
Well at least he stopped keeping track of money by bottles of McCormick.
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
She handed me her tooth and asked me to hold it so she could swim.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
I have three different pairs of earrings at three different houses including your 16 year old brothers nightstand. Look at my life. Look at my choices
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong
No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested
Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
THEY LEFT ME IN A CLUB BY MYSELF. I’M SO ANNOYED. I’M GOING TO FUCK THEIR BARTENDER FRIEND. Caps only because I’m really mad.
If it makes you feel better he's in the stall next to me and I'm taking a diabolical shit. He's complaining
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