Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.
HELP THE ONLY THING THAT'S HELPING ME DISTINGUISH BETWEEN THE TWO OF THEM IS THE DIRECTION OF THEIR WINKY FACES OMFG
I'll just put on a bunch of mascara and cry right before I get there. Then everyone will recognize me.
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Do you have any pictures of me mounting animals that aren't on Facebook?
got a blowjob in the bar bathroom, got arrested for public intoxication, and found a big bag of weed on the ground on my walk home from the station. my friday night could have been a movie
Enroute to my place eta 6 mikes...estimated time until intoxicated? 45 mikes. Commence the timer.
First thing I find in the car I just pick up from my grandpa? A discount card for the strip club down the road from his apartment. The force is still strong.
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
Just had a threesome with my best friend and LSAT teacher...just checked three things off my bucket list in one night
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