Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
Hahaha. I am actually really tight for having a kid. Like really really tight.
Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.
I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".
That's about an "8" on normal scales.
The walk of shame out of a freshman dorm isn't so bad when you're 25, nobody questions you because they think youre gonna bust them for having weed
You were, but he disappeared after you said you wanted him to get you pregnant so you'd have a child by the time the Boy Meets World sequel starts
I'm sitting here bra-less eating jalepeno candied bacon. You know you want this.
Coming.
I've come to the conclusion all of your awkward and complicated male encounters could easily be intercepted by a man town Yankee candle and a vibrator. Sleep on that tell me your thoughts in the morning. Sweet dreams.
I swear, the cow we tried to tip tried to eat me. and all I could think was, oh how the tables have turned. worst trip ever
You know you are high when you are so glad it wasn't your freshly buttered raisin bread that fell on your foot. It was your $400 Ipod
Well, I dont really know how much penis you have at your disposal so I cant be sure
She was wearing American flag underwear. How could I NOT fuck her?
You're a true patriot.
That reminds me of the morning I woke up on the sidewalk covered in chicken wings
How drunk are you?
Completed.
Nothing says hangover like being in the doctors office getting a tampon removed from deep inside
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